Hubby and I have tried most Christian denominations out there, from Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopal, Assemblies of God, LDS and even non-Denominational, all to no avail.
As I got older I always had lots of questions which no one could seem to answer. Like why is the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament portrayed so differently? In the OT he seems like a rather vengeful wrathful God at times, demanding sacrifice and even polygamy. In the NT it seemed that since Jesus paid the ultimate price there was no longer a need for sacrificing and it's all about the love and understanding. I didn't understand why there were so many different denominations. Or why so many people have been killed in the name of God than anything else. I especially didn't understand why some books (from the same ancient scrolls) made it into the Bible but others didn't. Why God gave us so many instincts yet we are supposed to ignore them and feel guilt over them. I still felt drawn to Christianity but hated the judgement most Christians passed on to others, even other Christians… unfortunately I'm even guilty of it myself. I like to think I've grown since then.
But I don't know if my draw to Christianity is purely based on the fact that it is all I've ever known or if it is guilt that if I stray it meant I'm evil and going to Hell. My husband, kids and I all went through the year long process of RCIA within the Catholic church to convert. The reason we chose Catholicism was because we wanted to go back to the original Christian religion. I would have never admitted it before but I had so many struggles with it. I was always "taught" that the Bible is infallible and the Word of God, that our creation took 6 days and it's all very literal. Finding out that Catholics do not take all of the Bible literally (just some of it, again why it's so confusing) was a lot for me to take in. That they believe some of the stories are meant as a moral lesson for us to learn from than actual facts. They also believe in Evolution and do not necessarily believe in a river of Fire known as Hell, at least not the same way other religions think of it. The Protestant in me really struggled with this but I kept it all to myself. Our children were Baptised at Easter and Confirmed 5 months later, even our 7 year old who had no idea what any of it was really all about went through Confirmation as we were encouraged to go forth with it anyway. My kids were never happy to go to church and this bothered me immensely. My husband and I were also not allowed to take part in the Eucharist, as he is awaiting an annulment for his first marriage. I was really hoping that the void I have always felt would finally be filled…but it hasn't. So it all made me wonder, everyone says their version of the Christian religion is right! But what if it's all been highly exaggerated, even the Bible contradicts itself at times.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, without a doubt, but Christianity has only been around for 2,000 years (roughly) and man has been around a lot longer than that (be it thousands or millions yadda yadda). Why did a new religion get to come along and just slaughter the Old Ways. There were some very peaceful religions before Christianity but ever since, it seemed anything not Christian was dubbed as the Occult and Evil.
So I'm taking this year - maybe longer, for a very personal journey. I want to connect with God but I feel it should be more spiritual. To me it feels like Religion = Church = a Business, whereas God is Spiritual, loving, peaceful, and non judgemental. I firmly believe we have a loving Creator who filled us with his love, with instincts, and a basic knowledge and desire to know him. I want to develop that so much more. I want to learn all about and explore how my Ancestors worshipped our Creator.
I can't excuse the fact that I don't feel close to God when I go to Church, I know some people truly do and I think that is wonderful and beautiful for them, but why can't I get that same feeling? Is there something wrong with me? I have never felt closer to God than when I'm walking in the woods or sitting by a stream with my feet in the cool water and feeling the moss under my fingers. God didn't build churches for us to worship him in. He created this beautiful world we are slowly destroying and when I'm in it, really in it, I feel him, I feel a connection and I feel at peace.
I finally confessed all of this to my husband the other day, who astonished me by agreeing 100% with me. I had dreaded telling him my feelings for weeks now. Fearing he'd resent this religious roller coaster I've been on over the years. But he had secretly been feeling the same way and we've shared many late night talks about it all. He wants to walk this journey with me as does our younger daughter and oldest son, we haven't shared it with the rest as of yet, as we didn't want to confuse them.
I know some will see it as we are turning away from God, but it's really quite the opposite, we don't feel near to him now so how can we turn away? In reality we are seeking him out even more.
Who knows maybe we'll end up back in those four walls that some believe is the only way to worship, maybe I'll end up in a hippy commune somewhere (just kidding) but I have a feeling my beautiful family and I will be walking a much more Natural path.
Blessings & Love
